Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Baby.... are you still there?

There are tears rolling down my face, my tummy hurts so bad and the pain of knowing that I'm almost certainly losing my baby is hurting like hell, and somehow writing about it helps, perhaps because its giving me control over something which I have no control over.... not sure that even makes sense.

I'll start from the beginning... on 26th of December 2012 I took a pregnancy test, my period was due on the 15th and nothing had arrived.  I couldn't believe it, after all the stress of closing my shop and preparing for the pop up shop I had also fallen pregnant..... we didn't really tell anyone except a handful.... just in case, but I was so excited.

Four days ago William asked in a whisper if there was a baby inside mummies tummy, the laughter and excitement in his eyes told me everything that I needed to know.  My little boy is amazing sensitive and will be an amazing big brother.  Hubby told me the next day that William asked while shopping if we need to buy nappies for the baby.... you can only imagine my smile.

My husband is over the moon about us having another child and right from day one has struggled to contain his excitement.  I've found myself looking at those amazing little ruffle pants and wondering if I was having a boy or a girl.

But yesterday I started to bleed, not a lot at first and brownish and a little bit more and on the drive home I found myself asking my tummy "baby are you still there" what would tomorrow bring.  For once I went to bed early, as soon as William was asleep I hit the pillow exhausted.  I woke up this morning thinking about my husband, he was the only one awake for the evening and left to wonder what could be happening and in the morning the pain showed across this face.  

Joy first thing in the morning.... over night nothing no blood at all, however by mid afternoon the cramps started, first just twinges and then strong pain followed by lots of blood and yes lots of clotting.

Its nearly dinner time and I can't bring myself to stand as time I do I loose more, hubby is bringing dinner home tonight.  

By now you are wondering why on earth would I be sharing this, everyone says wait until 12 weeks to tell everyone and you know what it actually sucks, I want another baby and I was so excited and wanted to share but didn't and now facing the fact that might have miscarried I feel so sad that I can't share that initial excitement.  I know that there are so many women out there who have miscarried and I know that we are not alone in the pain we are feeling.  My head knows that my body knows what is best for mummy and baby and if its not meant to be then there is a good reason for it, it will take time for my heart to heal and thats ok.

Tomorrow we are booked in to see the OB for the first time and I feel sad that we will be meeting her with such a heavy heart.  All I keep thinking is  .... baby are you still there?

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